On the corner of Despair and Relief

I withdrew from Ironman on Friday. As my last blog entry, this is far from what I envisioned I'd be writing. I can't see me healing this injury and training well and feeling good all at the same time. My long-term health and well-being trump all. Everything else has to give.

Even though Friday was my official withdrawal, I've been mourning the sudden loss of my goal over the past several weeks. So Friday itself brought more relief than I anticipated. I emailed Ironman first thing in the morning and within minutes, the very helpful staff had my partial refund in process. Everything I had to do was nice and tidy...cancel this and change that, white this out from my calendar and cross that off my list, email the house rental and call that hotel. And just as quickly as I became an Ironman-in-Training last June, I became an Injured-Triathlete-in-Recovery at 8:45 Friday morning.

The logistics were surprisingly easy. Ironman is accustomed to people withdrawing--they expect it. The owner of the house I rented has seen cancelations, I'm sure. This stuff happens all the time.

But not to me.

So in the meantime, my heart breaks and my spirit is crushed, only partly because I won't get to do the race. I can let go of Ironman for 2011. If I so decide, there will be another chance. And certainly there are many more seasons ahead of me of whichever races I choose. As my very wise friend Heather says, "one neck, many races."

No, this goes deeper than one missed race. Because I haven't been training the past couple of weeks, I have had lots of time for soul-searching. This is now about setting myself up for a lifetime of activity, triathlon and otherwise. This is about achieving true balance in my life--personal, professional, and athletic--so that no one thing dominates and controls the others. This is about me getting ridiculously clear on my priorities and on why I train and race in the first place. And so much more.

As I close this journal, I send my deepest gratitude to all of you who have been there for this journey. It has a very different ending than I wanted, but the ending isn't any less significant. Nor has this been a failure. I have achieved many goals along the way. And it's time to set new goals for the duration.

I am blessed to be surrounded by an incredible support network that is helping me heal my neck, my heart, and my spirit. You all are part of this network and I will carry you with me long after this blog is forgotten.

And if I ever decide to train for Ironman again? You will be among the first to know.