Swimming, biking, and running from my past

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. ~ Nelson Mandela

For about a half an hour yesterday, I was 17 again. Maybe you've played the game "If you could be a certain age again, what age would you be?" I have. And my chosen age is most definitely not 17. So this trip back in time yesterday was not fun. I had a very sudden and unexpected emotional reaction to being yanked back to 1988. I was fascinated by my reaction and what I learned from it.

Without going into details, I was having dental work done when 17-year-old Jen decided to show up. Dental work that I haven't had done since, well, I was 17. My mini-meltdown during the procedure was clear evidence of how much my self-concept and happiness are tied to my smile. Among other things, I see myself as someone who is happy and cheerful and who wants to see the sunshine in people and things. This part of my self is expressed, naturally, through my smile. So when my smile gets taken apart, I suppose part of my self-concept does, too.

I had a lot of time to think, sitting in the dentist's chair. I thought mostly about how I'm at once the same as and very different from my 17-year-old self. It wasn't until later that night that it hit me. I swim, bike, and run for many reasons: because I love achieving goals, because it helps me manifest my self-concept, and for the sheer enjoyment of it. Yes, all of that I knew. What became clear is that I also am swimming, biking, and running away from who I don't want to be--that shy, easily embarrassed, not-really-good-at-anything 17-year-old. And I'm at peace with that, with carrying forward parts of my old self that still serve my purpose and changing those aspects of me that don't.

Thank you for letting me share.

Happy Holidays everyone!